Plot: Best friends take a trip to Thailand after HS graduation. While there they befriend a charming Aussie who convinces them to take a weekend side trip to Hong Kong, but at the airport, they are busted for smuggling drugs. They are convicted and sentenced to life in prison.
Picture me: 19 years old and thinking I’m invincible, going to see this movie and leaving with the bejesus scared out of me. And for the past 11 years, I have maintained my stance on never, ever, ever going to Thailand. And I’m pretty sure that if I am ever in the presence of an Aussie and he uses his Aussie charisma on me, I will do whatever he tells me to. They are like hypnotic snakes. I know this because every time I see Sam Worthington on TV I start frothing at the mouth. The thing that people don’t realize about these fellows is that if you play what they say backwards, they’re actually telling you to smuggle drugs.
THIS is what Brokedown Palace has taught me. It also taught me about the legal system in Thailand, and that is a bad, bad program. And with my lack of filter, I would be in jail in record time.
Movie: Hostel (2005)
Plot: Two friends backpacking across Europe are told about a hostel in Slovakia that is infested with beautiful European women who sleep with tourists. They hop the next train there and realize that this hostel is hiding a terrible secret.
Love this movie. And like most young adults, I have a very large interest in going to Amsterdam one day to partake in all of its glory. And when that day comes, and I’m there, “enjoying” myself, I can assure you that if some random backpacking stranger comes up to me and tries to convince me to go to Slovakia for hot European men, I will tell them to shut their mouths, will slap them across their faces, and run as fast as I can in the other direction.
And it won’t be because I am stoned.
#3 Springwood, Ohio
Movie: A Nightmare On Elm Street (1984)
Plot: Freddy Krueger. He’s gonna kill you… in your dreams.
The Freddy Krueger franchise is great. I’ve always wondered though: why the hell do they stay there? Obviously, Freddy can only haunt the teenagers that live in Springwood, OH. They tell you that in part II when Freddy comes back and haunts that poor kid that moves into the house on Elm Street. And in part VI, the teenagers try to escape Springwood so that they can get rid of Freddy.
Does Springwood, OH lace their water with ecstasy? Does their football team have Tom Brady as their starting quarterback, with Peyton Manning as the fill in? Are there no taxes, and all debts are relieved on a monthly basis? I just don’t get it. Teenagers are dropping like flies. Get the eff out of there. No, don’t run upstairs because Freddy will turn them into mud, and you will get stuck.
#2 Haddonfield, NJ
Movie: Halloween (1978)
Yet another city where the killer likes to choose his victims. Yes, he does get a few stragglers on his way there, but that’s where he always returns. Now, the only way you’re going to get me into Haddonfield, is if you tell me there is a White Castle on every corner. Otherwise, I prefer to not visit places where I will most likely be stabbed by a 10 foot man with a creepy mask on.
Haddonfield was recently chosen by Philadelphia Magazine as one of the best places to live, shop or dine in the Delaware Valley. Eff you, Philly Magazine. I’ll live, shop and dine at Citizens Bank Park, thank you.
#1 Germany. All of it.
Movie: The Human Centpiede (2009)
Plot: Two pretty American girls are on a road trip through Europe. In Germany they end up alone at night with a broken car in the woods. They search for help and find an isolated villa. The next day they awake to find themselves trapped in his terrifying makeshift basement hospital along with a Japanese man. An older German man identifies himself as a retired surgeon specialized in separating Siamese twins. However his three “patients” are not about to be separated, but joined together in a horrific operation. He plans to be the first person to connect people via their gastric system, in doing so bringing to life his sick lifetime fantasy “the human centipede”. (**plot taken from IMDB.com)
I haven’t even seen this movie yet. As a matter of fact, I’m trying to psych myself out to go see it. Ebert couldn’t even give this movie any stars because he was so flustered by it, and my boyfriend has reconsidered our relationship due to my piqued interest in this film. But one thing is for sure: I won’t be going to Germany anytime soon after seeing the preview. I will go to Coolidge Corner to see this movie though. Maybe. Not sure yet. Maybe not. Jesus, this movie gives me the willies.