5 Worst Horror Movies of 2011

[Original post can be found on horror-movies.ca.]

The theme of 2011’s worst offerings was: disappointment. Why am I walking out of this theater under whelmed and over confused? Did you feel like making this movie because you were bored?

Short and sweet, I only have 5 films that I should have skipped to avoid the disappointment and need to listen to myself ask questions to myself, and it makes my heart hurt to see the first make the list:

5. Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark

I love Guillermo Del Toro, and I really wanted to love this movie. It had all the guts and clockwork I expected from a Del Toro film and it was sort of creepy.

But man, I was bored. I even started picking at my cuticles at one point. It’s here mostly because I feel let down. Also, am I a bad person to admit that my let down may stem from its choice of actors? I don’t get the whole ‘Guy Pierce can do horror movies’ thing. Also, no Ron Perlman? Isn’t he a necessary prop in ALL Guillermo Del Toro films?

Totally doing the disappointed Charlie Brown shuffle away from this one.

4. The Roommate

Two gorgeous girls in a psychological thriller with a twist? Meh. I enjoyed it the first time around in ‘Single White Female’. At no point was I able to just focus on the shiny objects [Meester and Kelly] and watch this movie.

Did anything even happen in this movie? I can’t remember. Seriously. I also can’t even think of anything else to say except “stupider than I thought.” ‘Stupider’ isn’t even a word.  Now I feel dumb. I have to wash my mouth out with soap and read the dictionary now. Thanks, The Roommate — I wish you never happened.

3. Shark Night 3D

Ugh, I should have known that this movie being made by the same director responsible for ‘Snakes on a Plane’ would have no bearing on its viewing ability. Especially since it had neither Samuel L. Jackson –OR- snakes. My bad.

What’s with this PG-13 obsession? It’s killing my ability to enjoy films. When I go see a horror movie, I expect there to be blood and guts and ‘AHHH’ moments. I do NOT expect it to be so obviously edited down to accommodate a demographic lacking the ability to appreciate real gratuity because of their immaturity. Long rant short – this movie would have been better with more gore. LOTS more gore.

‘Shark Night 3D’ is the brain damaged bastard love child of the 2009 ‘Friday the 13th’ remake and 1978’s‘Piranha’. Damnit ‘Shark Night 3D’, why can’t you be more like your older brother, ‘Piranha 3D’?!

2. The Ward

A 9-year silence and this is what John Carpenter came back with… neat.

No, no it’s not neat. It was an absolute bore. And what’s frustrating is that it had everything working in its favor: hot girls in a psycho ward being haunted and killed off one-by-one by a mean ghost while a passive doctor stands in the corner eating sandwiches. Who is this ghost and what do they want? Why doesn’t the doctor see what’s going on?

Snore, I don’t care. And when the movie finally gave up and started telling a story about what was happening as opposed to letting me figure it out on my own, I wanted to throw up in my mouth.

1. Human Centipede 2: Full Sequence

I loved ‘Human Centipede’ and thought Tom Six an absolute genius for delivering what I considered a pretty tame film that gave its non-viewers the real punch in the face. It was all about what you didn’t see – brilliant!

But what worked well for the first movie was completely removed from Full Sequence and I’m supposed to be OK with that? Well, I’m not Tom Six, and I don’t recall ever being this disappointed in a film that was so self-aware. Biggest woes include the Protagonist [or Antagonist, depending on how you look at him] Martin being the blahest of blah-blah-blah’s and leaving me craving the mad scientist of centipedes past. Also, the hyped up idealism of adding a ‘reality’ to the sequel became a missed opportunity when you decided to create of literal symphony of shit.

It pains me to say all of this Tom Six. But writing anything even remotely nice about ‘Human Centipede 2: Full Sequence’ is something I would only do if I hated myself.

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